HeartWing

If you don’t particularly enjoy the Twilight series, I suggest you turn away. Or, if you’re really desperate to read something, you could always stick around. This ‘fanfiction’, centered around Leah and Jacob, is something of a reflexion. What I would’ve liked my happy ending to be. Something angsty and sad and unnerving and sweety despite everything else.

It started out as a personnal ramble. Wound up being a lot more(like usual). I dedicated a page to this because I plan on changing this page every now and then. The stories and fiction here will be reflecting my general present mood and feelings. Which is to say that I won’t be updating this page too often… I think. I may surprise myself.
I should probably warn you about the… very explicit language. Read at your own risks.

Here’s the first… edition of HeartWing.
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See, there’s this thing, this phenomenon, called ‘imprinting’.

It’s something you can’t fight. It’s like a virus, eating you inside out, turning your guts into cute little pink flowers and hearts. Whoever you imprint on, that’s the person you’re supposed to live the rest of your life with. If you’re in love with someone, nevermind that. Imprinting, the sensation is more powerful than that in astronomical proportions. It’s impossible to describe. But when you imprint, you know. You feel it. The world changes, the planets are realigned and gravity shifts. It fucking shifts. And then all of a sudden, you’re not even the same person you used to be. Regardless if you were a son of a bitch, or the aforementioned bitch, you turn into the cuddliest teddy bear in the world. Imprinting changes you. It screws up your system like a virus. It eats you inside out. When you’re on the short end of the stick, you die. Not physically–no no, you’re still there and… sort of alive. You’re heart dies. Turns to dust. You put on this brave fascade, pretend to be all that, try to live up to the reputation you made for yourself.

Everyone breaks eventually.
Yes.

Even Leah Clearwater.

Everyone calls her a bitch, y’know that? Not a lot of people like her. Werewolf or not–should I call them werewolves? They’re just shapeshifters, after all–it’s like that Clearwater girl has a people repellant around her. No one wants to get near her, because everyone’s sure she’s going to kill them. Oh, and when she’s around Sam Uley, it’s even worse. She looks dead. You can’t even recognize her anymore. She might think it doesn’t show, that she doesn’t look destroyed and dead and faking, but it’s obvious. Well, to me it is. Don’t even start me on about when Sam’s with EMILY. If Leah can help it, she stays away when the two are together. Which isn’t very often, so you can figure that she’s around the two of them a lot.

Picture a dark room. No light, nothing; you have no idea where you are. You’re panicking, you want to go home, you want to be safe and see your friends and family, and you mostly just want to get out of there. But you don’t know how. You’re tied up, stuck to a wall, and you can’t see anything. You don’t even hear a door open, but you hear footsteps. Your heart starts racing, and you know, you can just feel that you’re going to die. A very slow, and painful death. And then you feel it, you feel the knife drag, so slowly, across the skin on your chest. You feel it, the blade’s blunt, barely sharp, and it tears at your skin, at your nerves and at your sanity. You scream, so loud, regardless no one can hear you. It feels good to scream. And then the blade falls back. You can’t hear anything, no breath to cloth no steps nothing. You feel the blood rushing out of that single wound, but it’s not that bad after a while. But then you feel the knife again, but it’s not going deep. It’s grazing the skin, making small, papercut-like incision. And those, those are the most painful. They burn like hell. They sting and you scream and you cry but nothing happens. No one’s there, but there’s had to be someone holding that knife. You feel the blood pooling over the small cuts, but nothing flowing out of them. The larger gash is still spewing blood, though not as much as before. It takes a while for you to realize you’re sobbing–not just crying. Your shoulders are shaking, you can feel your heart skip beats and you can’t breathe at all like you should. You are in so. much. pain. It’s unbearable. Not almost. It’s too much. And at this point, you feel the blade dragging across the skin on your legs, your hips, you arms, your stomach: everywhere at once, and you feel everything. You’re not even light-headed, and unconsciousness isn’t even there to greet you. You come to the sudden realization that this… This hell, this is your life. This is the rest of you life. You’re going to keep living on, forever, continuously mutilated by the invisible kives handled by non-existant people.

That’s how it is.
That’s how Leah Clearwater lives every day.
She’s tortured by something she can’t see, much less understand, and she can’t do anything about it.

On the day of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen’s wedding, she stays in the forest. It’s much safer this way. She can’t stand weddings. She can’t stand seeing a very tangible reminder of how Sam and Emily are going to wind up. Of how they already are in their hearts and minds and it tears her to just think about it. Seth doesn’t say a word; he lets her suffer, suffering along with her. Jacob’s far away, maybe he’s never coming back. She can’t hear his thoughts, he’s either too far or phased back. Either way, she didn’t care. Having Jacob Black so far away was another papercut. Given, it was a pretty deep one–but she won’t think that, she won’t allow herself to finish the train of thought because she won’t allow herself to let anyone know.

And Leah runs off again, far, far away, she pushes herself past her limits and she can feel her muscles flexing, burning, turning to ashes. She can feel the pain, and she’s like not to care, but she feels it and it’s too real for her to ignore. She stops. She has to catch her breath, and being a wolf doesn’t seem to help. She needs her lungs, her body her air, herself. But Leah can’t phase. Not here, close to a highway. That would be the end of her. Instead, she lets herself fall onto her side, and she vaguely hears Seth screaming her name trying to keep her awake but even he can’t keep her away from the comforting darkness that’s greeting her.

But of course, life’s not always that nice. She had to wake up eventually, and Leah wasn’t too sure what woke her up at first. If it was the rain or the cold or even the warmth. There were so many contrasts–light dark, warm cold, high low, loud quiet. She tried to say something but she realised that even if she wanted to she wouldn’t have been able to say a word. Something was nuging her back and she growled and felt like screaming and shrieking and killing something. But she couldn’t move. She’d burned off every inch of her body and it felt like only her mind was left behind.

Leave me the fuck alone. She thought, trying to make herself and loud as she could, desperate to have whatever was annoying her go away and run for it’s god damn life. But Leah was never so lucky so why would life be nice to her now?

“Come on Leah for the love of God, Get. UP.”

She could feel herself frown. She heard the voice. She knew the voice. She knew who the voice was. But for some reason, she couldn’t quite register that it was real. It felt real enough, but it couldn’t quite be real.

“Get the fuck out of here…”

And she frowned again. That was Leah the woman, not Leah the annoying, pain-projecting wolf. She tried to think about when she’d phased, but that thought was cast aside when the ground suddenly disappeared. Someone was carrying her like a weak little broken girl. She growled because that thought was disgusting because she wasn’t a stupid broken girl. She wasn’t like that stupid Bella Swan. The girl could take a step without kncking the entire world off its axis.

“Sure sure. Sue me.”

Leah growled again, hitting whatever heated rock had stubbornly decided to treat her like a ragdoll despite her vehement disagreement. At least, she liked to think that she was very clear in expressing her dislike of being carried around. She didn’t want to think about who it was because who it was didn’t matter anymore. The more she stayed like that, in his–whoever he is–arms, she more she found herself healing. And she hated it. Who the fuck was that guy to make her feel like that? Leah Clearwater what just that, a god damn Clearwater. She was strong and perfectly capable of taking care of her own wounds thank you very much. No matter if that meant keeping them open for a while.

“Seth sent me.”

Fucking little brother. Leah was going to beat him to a cute little grey pulp once she could pile up her ashes and try to reconstruct herself.

“I don’t… I don’t ca… care.”

And Leah was at a serious loss as to why she couldn’t breathe just right. She felt something being draped across her stomach–god knows how he managed it with his arms full(not that she was fat). She had to admit she was grateful for whate little coverage she could get. Leah wasn’t self-conscious in the least but any girl who respects herself doesn’t flaunt herself like that in front of just anyone.

And before she knew it, she woke up. And Leah had no idea when she had fallen asleep in the first place. Probably in his arms. His… Who was he already? She tried to recall the voice, the events, but everything was a blur. she remembered the fire, all over the body and turning everything to ashes, and remembered wanting to tear Seth to bits as soon as she found the remnants of her dust. And then she realize the snoring was what woke her up. The sound shook everything around her, the walls the floor the bed the matress and who’s bed, exactly, was she in?

Opening her eyes wasn’t hard. Adjusting to the light was a little hard because Leah was blindede for a minute or sixty. The sun was flitered by old curtains and she liked the color it cast throughout the room. It was sunset-ish, despite the fact she knew it was probably morning, if the alarm clock was any indicator. She doubted it would be this light out at 8:00 PM.

She sat up and prodded pretty much every part of her body. Nothing ached anymore and she was surproised even though she knew she shouldn’t be. Leah’s biggest surprised was to find that she was actually dressed. She growled, a low, quiet, to-yourself kind of growl and reminded herself to kill whoever had dared to touch her. No one touched Leah fucking Clearwater.

She was going to get up and had swung her legs over the side of the bed to do this, but not only did her feet hit the adjascent wall but she toppled over some huge heap of whatever-it-was that was conveniently sprawled on the floor right beside the god damn bed.

“What the fuck is this..?” She growled–she seemed to have taken an involuntary liking to growling at everything–

And the ‘everything’ growled back.

“Honest to fucking God, if I knew you wer going to act like this I would’ve left you over there.”

And of all the people out there, the people Leah wouldn’t have mind to have picked her up, of all the stupid people she knew, the boys that thought that turning into fucking huge wolves was cool, of all the entire idiots that she was remotely close to, why did it have to be the dumbest of them all? Why did it have to be the one who’d imprinted on that… that thing?

Jacob motherfucking Black.
Of course it was stupid Jacob Black. Life had alreayd laughed at her in the face before, why not have another good time at her expenses? And even though Leah resented him and everythign he was and was with, despite her profound loathing, hatred, disgust, repellance, despite herself, she had to apologise.

“Sorry for being fucking human.”

It took a while for Leah to understand why Lacob was laughing do damn loud and hard, because it took her a while to get over the urge to kill him for laughing in the first place. But she knew; he laughed because she wasbarely human and apologizing for something you’re not isn’t apologizing at all and he knew this and so did she but she really wasn’t anywhere near finding that funny. Not being human was not fun and not entertaining and not cool.

“Why the hell are you still here anyways?” She got up as though nothing had happened but still fuming and barely containing her homicidal intents. “Why aren’t you with Renesmée?” She said the name as though she was talking about the Volturi, the very incarnation of vampires, the smelliest, ugliest and dumbest monsters on earth. Jacob cringed. Leah loved it when she made him cringe. Almost all the time, it would make him get the hell out and that was exactly what she wanted.

But life laughed.

“It’s not like that.” Jacob said quietly, narrowing his eyes and Leah couldn’t quite say why that look was so familiar.

“Like hell it isn’t. I see how you look at her and how she looks at you. You’re a pathetic liar, Jacob Black.” She spat and snuck beneath the warm, safe comforters and ignoring the early-morning sun that now came through in the room brighter than before.

“She’s my imprint, and that–”
“Obviously dictates that you have to run off and get married. Get out.”
“Obviously dictates that whatever she says goes. I become what she need me to be.”

Leah scoffed and curled up in the tightest ball she could manage. She passed the comforter over her head. She didn’t want to see anything and especially not his face. She wanted to pretend that nothing exist and of course no one would have that but at least she could try.

“And everyone needs a–”
“Would you just SHUT UP?”

This time she cringed and she was very grateful for the cover she had. She hated showing any signs of being affect by whatever was being said. Cringing was second worst to crying.

“Just because I IMPRINTED doesn’t mean my life has to fucking END!”

Leah almost smirked at the exasperation in his voice. Almost. Because she knew where she had seen that expression before. Paired with the oh-so-light tone of despair in his voice, she could perfectly recognize she eyes, the face, the impression she got. It was the same thing she stared in the water, mirror, window and car.  But that hardly made any sense at all because no one had brought up the subject of Bella. And Renesmée was hardly a painful thought no matter how you looked at it. Even Leah had to admit that much.

“Well let’s say for argument’s sake that it does mean your life ends. Where the HELL is the problem in that? You imprint get married have babies and live and die happily ever after.” Leah shrugged off the comforter, glaring at the back of Jacob’s head. He’d turned to face the window, turning his back to her. The expression ‘if looks could kill’ crossed her mind and for the umpteenth time she wished it was literal.
“I can HARDLY imagine any case in which living happily for-fucking-ever after isn’t NICE.”

“Well let’s say, for argument’s sake, that I don’t WANT to live happily ever after and that spending eternity with someone who doesn’t feel like drinking blood 24/7. Let’s say that I feel like being with someone that’s, oh, I don’t know, the same SPECIES as me? I can HARDLY imagine why THAT isn’t nice.”

Leah was quiet. Every thought she’d desperately tried to shove away for the past two months had just suddenly boiled and spilled all over the place and she couldn’t pick everything up in time. But she noticed the accident before anyone else had the chance too–anyone else being stupid Jacob Black. She covered her face with even more masks, to make sure that nothing transcended and that she was completely covered from head to do.

“Let’s say, for lack of anything else to actually say, that I’d want you to get the hell out? Huh? Yeah that sounds perfect. Get the hell out.” She growled, proud that her voice had stayed straight regarldess the thousand emotions that were racing through her and making her heart go into overdrive. Somewhere in her mind she though that even the stupid Cullen family would be able to hear her heartbeat. The disgust overshadowed the poor humor and she cast the thought away.

“It’s my room. You get out.”

And the glaring contest commenced.

“I’m the guest.”
“You’re not acting like one.”
“You’re not much of a host.”
“You haven’t earned my respect.”
“Same for you you harebrained mutt.”
“Who’s the harebrain?”
“I believe that was you.”
“You’re the one who can’t tell that I–”

Leah raised a careful eyebrow and smirked deviously. Whatever silly little Jakey Black was hiding was something good and she was going to probe that soft spot so much it’d hurt. Physically.

“Oh, and what can’t I tell, Jacob Black?”
“That I don’t want you around.”

The words stung but Leah’s masks were still firmly in place. For a moment, she wondered if she would ever be able to take them off after this.

“Then why haven’t you kicked me out?”
“Billy.”

Something went through her stomach. Something like an arm. And its hand started rummaging around in her chest, groping all over the place. When it grabbed her lungs, she gasped, not able to breathe right anymore. It touched her heart, at a certain point, and she felt it stop for a second or two.
The masks were still there. She was still hardhead Leah. That’s good, very good.

“Then I guess I’ll just lea–”
“You can’t go.”

Leah shrugged and stood up beside the bed–she noticed how cramped it was for the first time ever–and marched forward. She was very well bent on shoving Jacob out of the way but the stupid kid wouldn’t budge. Not even an inch. No matter how hard she tried.

“Fuck you.” she huffed, slapping his shoulder before stalking back to the side of the bed and sneaking bakc underneath the safe cover of the comforters. If she wasn’t going to be exiled or given the right to exerce her free will, she would sleep it off and hope for the best next time she woke up.

She heard him whisper her name, and the despair, the pain the sorrow the regret the longing in his voice gave her the feling she’d just been shot to the head. The hand groped around some more and clamped down on her diaphragm and now not only could she not breathe evenly, but she felt like her insides were going to turned to soup. The thought wasn’t a pleasant one. She wrapped her arms around herself, praying her pain was only psychological and that there wasn’t really naything wrong with her organs.

“Are you alright?”

And the voice was closer than she thought it was, than she thought it should be.

“Healthy like a horse now get the fuck ou–”
“Cut the crap and tell me what’s wrong.”
“You.”

Shit.
Shit.

It was the most natural reply and it came automatically and Leah wasn’t quite sure if there was anything more to it than what she wanted there to be. But apparently Jacob had caught onto something and wouldn’t let it go for as long as he lived. And oh god damn that was going to be a very long time. Try forever.

“What do you mean ME?”
“You’re fucking wrong about everything and it pisses me off. You can’t love anyone else but Renesmée you can’t see anyone else but her you can hear anyone else smell anyone else feel anyone else so just get out of here and leave me alone WILL YA?”

She could just HEAR his eyes popping wide open and for once Leah wished he really was as stupid as she always she he was because now he was being too smart. He was putting two and two together and that was not good, not good at all.

“You lo–”
“Say it and you’ll never have kids, I swear to God.”
“But you–”
“Jacob FUCKING Black say another word and I’ll–!”

But she was the one who couldn’t say anything else but she was hardly shut up with a threat.