Apologies.

I’ve been away again for a while. I seem to do that a lot. But I’ve started working recently, and I guess that’s consuming my concentration. I’m stressed a lot–I seem to mess up a lot of thing at work..!–so I take more to relaxing and leisurely activities rather than blogging. Though I admit, I should have written sooner; my thoughts need some thorough cleaning and organization.

He’s suddenly left me. I’m not too sure why that is, though. If he was going to leave on vacation, he would have told me. If he was moving, he would have dropped a word, as well. If he was too busy… Well, he would have answered honestly when I asked. But he hasn’t answered the messages I’ve sent. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t seen me. He hasn’t… done anything he said he would.
Which brings me to wondering if I haven’t starting hating him. I’m really scared of that, though I know it would probably be for the best. It’s probably better that I hate him rather grow even more attached. But a big part of me resents the hatred, because… Well, I don’t know why, actually. It just feels right to want to be around him, just like it feels… right, to be around Martin. (Though I’m still a little scarred by that one time jealousy–and my overdoing it–blew a couple caskets.) I don’t… it feels wrong. I guess I’m scared to hurt him. It’s a little selfish, in the end, I suppose; I want to avoid the guilt. But sometimes…
Something I have to be a little selfish. Right?

So, well… In exchange for all the promises he’s never kept (and probably will never see through), I did something I probably shouldn’t have. I call it retribution. Everyone else… would call it stupidity. But it gives me a ridiculous sense of empowerment and accomplishment.

I feel safe writing this here, because I’m assuming he won’t be reading these anymore. Whether it’s because he doesn’t care, doesn’t have the time, or doesn’t have the means, I’m relatively sure he won’t return here.

I read in a manga yesterday that a girl kept her heart’s sanctuary far from anyone’s reach. I’ve also heard that the best place to hide something is to put it in plain sight. So I suppose that’s what I’m doing: hiding my sanctuary in a place so obvious no one would think about looking here. Not the people who would take negatively to this, anyways.

Besides…
My heart’s floating somewhere else lately. Somewhere far, far away. Out of my sight but most certainly not out of my mind. It’s a sad thing, really, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now that the harm’s done. Though I have hopes for this ‘relationship’. He’s made only one promise: not to break his promises. And I’ve known him for a while, now. Trusting him should be a safe bet.
The other one…
I know I can’t trust. It’s… a shame. He’s a really nice person, and I hope we can stay close friends. I hope we can even visit each other sometime. Though I keep my expectations low. Apparently, he has a lot of secrets I’m not aware about.

Men are finicky creatures. It’s a shame I only have one lifetime to try and discover their mysteries.