Exhaustion

I woke up twenty or so minutes ago and thought, I have no idea how I’m going to make it through this day. I was so tired, right then, it was beyond anything and everything I’ve known. And this fatigue is despite the fact that I’ve been sleeping a lot when I get back from school–short naps, two to four hours. Yesterday was an exception; my leg was exceptionally painful and I couldn’t stand anymore. I slept five hours. But it’s like I don’t sleep at all, it’s just like I sit there waiting for time to pass. I don’t know why I’m like this all of a sudden. Don’t have the slightest clue.

I thought a lot on the bus home yesterday, though, trying to ignore the guilt that was stabbing at me. I thought so many things, I can barely remember anything. Those moments scare me, because those thoughts are the ones that matter most to me, but I always forget everything, save for the general nature of what I was thinking about. It’s frustrating–no, it’s infuriating. Not to blame anyone for it, but not talking to him for two or three days hasn’t improved my condition. Because I’ve resigned myself to calling this a condition because it really can’t be just a state of mind.

Dizzying

Today wasn’t my best days ever. I sort of blew my liver pain to proportions bigger than they were. But you have to understand that I really don’t want to have to face gym class just yet. I’m alone when we’re supposed to be in teams and I have no idea what we’re supposed to do because I’ve missed a few classes because of my hospital appointements. If I’m lucky, next tuesday is a day when I’ll have gym again, so I’ll miss it because of my hospital app. again. If I’m lucky, which I’m usually not.

Let’s hope.

On another note, I’ve been feeling relaly out of it lately. Ever since I dreamt that my brother got shot by some weird man in a mask, I’ve been really… “dans les vapes” so to speak. I don’t really feel lethargic, I just really don’t feel there enough to do anyting concrete. I’ve been reading a lot, too, so I guess that doesn’t help. Especially since, when I read Twilight, every time I stop reading is like I’m being torn apart down the middle, like someone’s tearing me out of a life I’ve been living since forever. It’s really not a fun feeling, and if it were up to me, I’d rather keep reading forever than spend a lifetime not reading and continuously feel like I’ve been torn away from something amazing.

It doesn’t help that, lately, I’ve been aware that the pain I feel in my right shoulder/kidey have been caused by stress. That’s what my mother told me, anyways, and I have no reason to doubt her, considering all the self-awareness books she’s read and been reading. I don’t really see why I’d be stressed… Distressed, maybe, but that’s not really the same thing, is it? And besides, I’m aware that most of my problems are brought on because I was stupid or inattentive, so I really shouldn’t have the right to feel any physical pain to reflect stress that’s most likely self-induced.

Or.

Something like that.

And this person who’d been ignoring me since forever–someone I liked, not quite loved–recently spoke to me again. I thought for sure that he was gone and out of my life for good, and that he’d never talk to me again, that I’d never hear from him again and that we were as good as dead for each other. I learned two days ago that he’d been genuinely ignoring me, that I hadn’t overreacted and assumed something completely unnecessary. I was worried for a while that I was really just being an idiot and running around like a headless chicken over nothing. I thought he was just too busy to care to talk to me at all, or something to that effect. I don’t know if I rather that had been the case than be proven right. And that’s a first.
He mentionned something about being an ass and ignoring me because he’d been denied. Because he’s the one who came out with it first, to say that he love me–and ot like, really, love–and now I feel horrible for not dealing with it as well as Jay had with me. I feel like a monster(how convenient that that song should be playing right now) for reacting the way I have, and I really need to come up with something to say to reflect that better than just saying “I’m a bitch for swatting you away like a dead fly.” Because that really won’t do any good at all, I know.

Out of it.

That’s really how I am recently.

Just really absent.

Just really, really out of it.

Stagnant

Her vision of having fun and leading a good life really isn’t the same as mine. She thinks having fun lies in sex and drugs and that relaxing means going out with a friend and using them to ease your own sexual frustration. I’d rather stay at home and read, or write, or draw, or maybe even have a friend over to chat for a while. Certainly not indulge in sexual fantasies–or give in to every and any impulse that just happens to run through my mind. She makes me sick–I hate to admit it, but I can’t believe I ever went out with her in the first place. I was mean to her, I think, it expressing my distaste(or disgust, whichever) and rejection. I’m not sure.

While she was talking to me, I had to bit back my tears and cover my mouth. Though the latter really wasn’t necessary at all, in the end, because even if I wanted to, I couldn’t–can’t–breathe. And while I was trying my best to stand my ground, I couldn’t help but feel this… this hand, of hair, going through my stomach and up to my lungs, grasping at whatever it could find. I can still feel the echo of it. It’s not really comfortable.

But I said no.

That’s the important part, right?

I said no.

I can’t breathe, but I was able to stick to my decision for once.

Meltdown

That song really is amazing–the version sung by Kagamine Ring(02), anyways. Not sure if there’s another one and if it’s better or not.
Because I’m too lazy to be more or less precise with what I’ve already written down on DeviantArt–and because I don’t feel like linking directly to that post if I ever talk about this to anyone, I’ll just copy the important part and paste it here. I guess I really am a lazy person after all. Or maybe I just don’t want to bother myself with remembering the details of that afternoon…

Which brings on the breakdowns I’ve been having more and more frequently. The intense feeling of despair, the ignorance gnawing at this… at the raw edges around a boulder stuck in your chest. Like a cannon that wasn’t strong enough to make it go all the way through. It’s harder to breathe now, actually. I can only really deeply inhale when I’m still half-dreaming or when I’m reading, or something that has the same effect.
I broke down friday, I think. I felt like all the little pieces of my brain were scattered everywhere, and I couldn’t even grasp one fragment long enough to try to make sense of myself. It was actually all unleashed by a friend who told me she was suicidal. I tried to reason–with myself, I think, more than with her–but I really couldn’t manage. I hit my matress more times than I could cunt, just to ehaust myself a little to clear my head. I hit my wall several times, just to replace the dull throb of emotionnal pain with something more or less real. I sat on my bed after that, wide-eyed and rocking myself back in forth, and I kept repeating ‘I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know’ and crying like a little baby. I was scared, because I didn’t know how to stop. Every time I tried to put my hand on top of the handle, I just wound up gasping for hair and sobbing even louder.

Needless to say, it was hell.

I slept for hours on end. I woke up a few times, to eat mostly, and went straight back to bed afterwards. It doesn’t help that I’m reading the Twilight series–it’s feeding my brain with way too many comparisons and anxiety and dreams and hope than I should allow myself. And yet here I am, almost finished with New Moon, and I only got it yesterday afternoon, around this time actually.

To add to my emotionnally wrecked brain, my ex girlfriend told me she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday. She broke me–in entirety, heart, mind and soul alike–into a hundre million pieces, so small that I’m STILL trying to pick myself up again. Not to mention everyone around me seems to have taken a liking to completely loathing her.

I don’t know what I’ll say to her if she asks me to take her back. How can I reject her nicely, for the second time? That is, if I even have the heart to resist her–she’s like a siren to me. My own personnal hell. This is insane, I shouldn’t even be writing this down for everyone to see, but…

That should be all of it. All that’s important, anyways. I’m not sure if there’s something else I forgot to add, but I wouldn’t think so…