Maybe

I sort of–finally–told him today. But I sort of couldn’t really talk much, either. I mean most of time was spent lounging around and trying to get enough guts to single him out. And figure what the hell I would say. Because although I’d talked to Val and Martin and tried to piece together what I would say–without using the word LOVE anywhere–I hade to improvise big time. At least I got the message acros…

“Yeah, when I saw the countdown I was like, ‘What, NOOO.’”, he laughs.

“He, well, I feel like dying, can I go hide now? Yeah, car, um…” Mom waves like a fucking retard. “My mom’s waiting for me, uh…”

“It’s okay, we’ll talk later.”

“Yeah, later. Thanks… Bye!”

Augh, I wanted to hug him. So badly. But I thought that might’ve been awkward. And… And I waited a little for him to say something, and he never did. I guess he’s just as freaked out as I am… I know I felt bits and pieces of what’s left of my heart fall on the ground and be trampled my Thierry’s bike. And Charles’. And Camille’s. But I feel so numb… Because I guess I still have this glimmer of hope. I really don’t want to cry. My mom said true loves don’t make you cry. So I guess… I guess the reason I didn’t want to tell him was because I was scared I’d cry.

Yeah, mostly that. And because I can barely THINK it before going, “Wait what WOAH, what the fuck are you thinking?!” and straying to other thoughts… Martin’s been a big help though. He left me alone with him a bunch of times… ‘I’ll go drink water, brb’ and dragged along whoever was around so I’d be alone with him.

Too bad I have to drag him outside.

Augh… It’s so complicated.

Even my mom didn’t quite get it after half an hour of explaining… Then again, I can barely understand everything that’s going on MYSELF, let alone explain it to someone else! Well, ‘cept for Martin. I always talk to him and he knows JUST the right questions to ask.
So, that’s it.

Bye bye, heart!
Maybe you’ll come back soon.