Change

I’m getting my mohawk done tomorrow. I don’t think I mentionned it on here yet… But, yeah; I’m getting a mohawk done. The daughter of a friend of my mom’s did a degree in hairstyling, so I get to be her ‘first client’. She’s shaving most of my hair, but leaving an inch or so. Dying the whole remaining tuft of hair electric blue. I felt like having a drastic change in my life; I guess that’s the best I could come up with. I need a total wardrobe change, too. And don’t expect my clothes to be conventionnal to what the school is demanding. Fuck no.

 

Fuck the system!
I say ANARCHY.

That’s actually an inside joke, believe it or not.

But I’m really scared about what he’s going to say about it. Martin reassured me last night–this morning, in fact, since it was past midnight–but it’s not really doing much… I mean I hope Martin’s right, saying that he’s always going to see me as ME, and not anything or anyone else… But I’m insecure lately. So smite me.

Val knows now, too. And it’s a little weight of my shoulders. She guess all on her own. “I know you, and I know him enough to know that it was him you were taling about.” Because, at first, she’d guessed Martin. And although I admit I loved him a while ago, I’d like to think I’m over that–but between you and me, first love always stings–and that I’ve moved on. THEN she guessed right.

I was glad she GUESSED. Because saying it would be too hard.

I’m scared of the word LOVE. I don’t like it. It scares the hell out of me and I don’t know why. I’m scared of the meaning, the hidden vow behind it, the history of broken hearts it cause. But… Then again, isn’t this the first time that I…

Yes.

Yes it is.

I guess I can answer all my questions on my own.

YES, I have to do this, for once.

NO, I can’t care about what’s going to happen. Not now. I’ll worry wednesday.

I hope I can talk to him alone…

MASKerade

So stand in the rain

London bridge is falling down

The wall are drilled

And there’s not a sound

It’s all falling down

Down down down

The mask just fell

And you know you can tell

By the tears in her eyes

And the sound of her voice

Anti-mask anti-mask

Let it all fall

Just let it crack

Anti-mask anti-mask

Hitaru this, all about Hitaru

Ariel, where are you?

Fountain

Such a tough exterior

So frail to the touch

A wall of lies

London bridge comes falling down

Posies and black pest

Ring around the rosies

Crawling around and around

A drink for your chapped lips

“Jamais je ne t’oublierai.”

Father

It’s father’s day today. But I trust you all knew that, right?

I woke up rather early this morning; fifteen to ten. I usually wake up at like, two in the afternoon. Well, pretty much any time after teen, and I woke up before then this morning. I was happy. My day felt longer. I like it when my days feel longer. It’s like I can fit more things and conversations and art into twelve hours. Or, something like that; my days usually last twelve to fourteen hours.

I saw my cousins and my grandparents’ today. It was really really fun. It’s nice to see them grow; Alex, Emmanuel, Lizzie and Lolo. I love Laurence so much. She’s just adorable; a bundle of love. Her father came to me and thanked me for sticking around with her. “I know she can be a handful sometimes, and I think she switched big sisters; it’s really nice of you.” and blabla, I can’t really remember what he said, but it’s something like that, I guess.

I talked with Alex for a while. Is it weird if I say I’m more tempted to stay and talk and be with him than my other cousins? He understands me more; he’s a few months older than me. Same grade, same problems, complicated life and screwed-up stuff. I like him lots.

I talked to Seimei a lot today, too. We sort of RP’ed Ouran Host Club. That was nice; I got to learn a lot about him. Like, he’s 18, lives in the Netherlands and likes vanilla icecream. I liked to asked random questions. It made me get to know him a little more in a completely random context. Martin thought I was in LOVE with him the other day. I laughed a little; Seimei-kun’s a good–SPECIAL–friend, not a… potential lover. No, we all know who the POTENTIAL is.

I think I WILL talk to him wednesday. But then, tomorrow, I’ll talk to him on MSN and freak and come back on here and say I’ll keep everything to myself. I’m so undecicive. I should learn to make definate decisions and stop changing my mind so much. That, and I need to learn to shut up. I somehow always manage to divulge information about myself that fall into the wrong hands, and it’s used against me. Like when I told Martin I was ticklish behind the ears. Or when I sent a letter to a friend who was a complete bitch after missinterpreting it and not even talking to me about anything.

I think I really really like him.
I need to harass him into drawing soon. I really want to see how good he is…
And.

I love Seimei. <3

I’ll ask him to be my seme.