Possibility

Augh.

That ultimatum’s hanging between life and death, you know? Now I’m almost forced to tell him on wendesday… Since that’s the last time of the year–and possibly forever–that I’ll be able to see him and actually TALK, face to face, with him. And I said I wanted to make the best of it, have something to say, so I’d tell him ‘who I like’ then. Which is actually HIM.

And I think he KNOWS.

He hints at things, so much, but, then again, maybe he’s just like Martin. Maybe it’s just common courtesy for him, and maybe I’m the one imagining so many things. Because, well… I guess I’ll just copy-paste that bit of conversation on MSN right now.

(19:14) Seimei-kun is so:	I was thinking about telling him this week…
(19:14) Seimei-kun is so:	But I’m just too scared.
(19:14) Go into a battle:	fright. . . what a feeling!

Later…

22:39) Seimei-kun is so:	Ha, ask yourself the right questions and maybe the light will come on!
(22:40) Go into a battle:	haha, even if everything comes on, I want you to say it.

Augh, I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. It’s confusing, it’s enticing; it’s like my little dance, my foxtrot or my waltz, but I can’t remember half the steps. I’m just following the lead. Too bad he doesn’t seem too sure of his thing EITHER…

 

Oh well.

I guess I’ll see what happends on wednesday.
Meanwhile, I should really get to studying for my history and spanish exams tomorrow!!

Drown

Forget that ultimatum; I can’t do it, I just CAN’T.
I thought about it, and, really, WHAT would I do? I’d just say “Um, yeah, the guy I was talking about..? It’s you.” and then wait for the worst? Because I’m PRETTY DAMN SURE that he doesn’t like me that way. Because I’m sure he likes that other girl. The one he talks to. Just like I like HIM, the one I talk to.

He keeps on telling me to go ahead–because I’m trying to figure out what to do by saying I like another guy instead, as to not reveal my feelings to him–and it just ISN’T helping. He says, GO, DIVE! And I can’t help but think that I’m headed towards my own emotionnal destruction. I mean, I’m already an emotionnal wreck. Just wait ’til I get rejected, I’ll be even worse.

And this is just torture.

I WANT to tell him it’s HIM, and not some other guy, NOW, HERE… But he hasn’t had a girlfriend in five years because he was scared he’d mess up, because he couldn’t LET himself love anyone, I don’t want to make him start over fresh with something crappy. A friend of mine suggested a handwritten letter that I’d give to a friend, who would, in turn, give it to him. I THOUGHT it was a good idea at first, but, if I give that letter to Martin(my best friend/non blood-related brother), he’ll just tell me to give it myself…
Ugh, I haven’t cried in a while.
Think now’s the time to cry for an hour or two.

 

He really needs to get a brain.
He’s not really fast, even with all the hints I seem to hand out in obnoxious amounts…