Better Than Drugs

Feel your every heartbeat

No, she’ll never take it. And she never has and she doesn’t take it. At all.
She was raised that way and then brought down from that pedestal.
Brought down and torn away from all those values she was given.
She was lied to and implanted fake thoughts in her mind.
She’s lost now.
But not so much.
She knows what she has to do, and it’s more than clear in her mind.
But her parents, that brick wall, that burning pedestal,
They’re always in the way and sending mixed signals
About what she should do and what she shouldn’t do.
They’re liars.
They’re hypocrites.
And she hates them and she loves them and she LOATHES what they’re doing to her.

Feel you on these empty nights

She has to twist her tongue so many times ever moment of the day
To keep those words in her mouth where they can’t hurt
Because she knows if she lets them fly and zip through the air
They’ll eventually come back and bite her, claw at her heart
And she can’t stand to have anything like that happen again.

Calm the aches, stop the shakes

She just needs to let it all unfurl, just once
And maybe leave the words in better hands than in her own
Because she just can’t stand it anymore; she’s always squashed down
Like a bug, she fears she’ll never be able to fly again

You clear my mind

The fight that’s raging in her soul needs to stop
She’s not too sure how to make it all calm down
But she knows that as long as she has someone she can tell everything to
Someone she doesn’t have to twist her tongue a thousand times for
She’ll be okay
Maybe she’ll be okay.

You’re my escape from this messed-up place

And she writes and she writes
Because when she just can’t talk it’s all that she has
Because it’s the only way she can get things across clearly and simply
Well, not so simply, because no one really understands
It’s complicated
Maybe just a little too much
But as long as that person can understand these confused words
These blurry, mixed thoughts
It’ll be alright

Cause you let me forget

And for a little while she’s absorbed by the keys
And her hands dance across them like they’ve been doing it for years
And words take place and thoughts are cleared and stop straying
And for that little fraction of time spend trying to sort everything out
She forgets about everything
She forgets about love and pain and school and life.

You know my pain

The only reason why she’s like that around that person
Is because she knows that they know everything
That they know EXACTLY how it feels.

Feel you when I’m restless

On late, sleepless, timeless nights
It’s when she thinks most, when she can’t stop them from whirring
Inside her head; it’s chaos and she can’t get out
So she talks and talks and feels safe for a minute
And then feels guilty for abusing so much of their attention
And the mask carefully falls back into place.

Feel you when I cannot cope

That night when everything was going by too fast in her mind
She was crying so hard and couldn’t stop and felt like
She’d never stop; she talked and talked and it was her very first time
That person understood her, possibly more so than herself
And she found that she could say anything without shocking them
And that was,
In itself
Relief beyond gratitude.

You’re my addiction

And she’s quite sure she can’t stop herself anymore.

My prescription

Maybe she’ll take those pills again.

My antidote

But she’ll think of them again, and just stop.

You kill the poison

She knows she can always count on that person now
But why do they seem so much further away now?
It’s like comprehension just vanished and she’s lost again
But there’s another one that helps, that makes the bruises go away
And maybe she’ll count on them for a bit
Just a little while

Ease the suffering

And the both of them are like balm on the pain
They soothe everything like when she couldn’t stand up
They’re like crutches for when her legs give out under her
And she can lean on them for a little bit
And she’ll be more than happy to get away from the crutches
To walk on her own again and see more of the world
Though carrying her support around with her
Like a memento of the time she lost to get back up stronger again

Conquer rage when I’m afraid

And sometimes the frustration with everyone is so strong
She hits her head against the wall time after time after time
Somehow, she never passes out nor does she ever bleed
But it’s bound to happen some time around, some day she’s alone
And it annoys her that she can’t make sense of what she feels
But most of all

To feel again

She’s scared of what she’s feeling for that one person
Because she’s certain it’ll wind up scarring her again, to the heart
Not like one scar will change much…
But it hurts.
She doesn’t want to hurt.

How can I tell you just all that you are

She’s so close to let everything spill
The last words that person hasn’t heard from her mouth to theirs
And she’s not even sure if it’s true and she doesn’t know
She feels like she doesn’t know anything anymore

What you do to me

What do they do to her?
What did they do..?

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
You’re the strength of my life…

The song means far too much than what she wants to say
And she’s not sure that they will understand just what it means
And she’s not even sure she understands everything herself
But if she can get it out there
IF JUST…
Maybe it’ll be clearer.

You’re better than drugs.

A simple rose

I was talking to my recent… Well, infatuation is a pretty big word, but, let’s go with that. I was talking to him last night. And I found out a few interesting things about him. Things that made me realise that we’re even more alike that I’d first thought. It’s actually kind of creepy, when I think about it, but it makes me like this thin, barely existant bond between us, even more.

The thing is, I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is real or not. I mean, I’ve lived it a few times before. I tell someone I love them, they love me, we go out, and a week later I break up with them because that feeling I thought was love was just intense friendship. And it fucks me up so much, you can’t even begin to imagine. And I sort of talked to him about it, but sorta not, too. Because I used some fake pretext, and I think he got it, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t. I mean, I made him read something I’d written ABOUT my problem…

But, augh, I don’t think he got it.

And that leads me to the title; a simple rose.

He was talking about an incident that had happened five years ago, and he said he wanted another story, another little love story to be able to start over. And I just said “Well I hope you find one soon. If anyone deserves it, it’s you!” and he thanked me. And send me a rose.

On MSN, but it’s still the first rose I’ve gotten from a guy outside my family.

And it doesn’t UPSET me, as much as it send me up one track and then another. He’s been doing that a lot; actually, he did it several times last night, and I’m not sure what to make of it… Well, I still have… Three, four days, right? I still have time, I’ve got to have time, just to sort everything out.

I wish someone could make everything easy.

Like the Staples button.

 

So, I’ll be doing little journal entries like these about every day, I think. It makes me think and clears my thoughts. I’ll be submitting these in the ‘Journal’ and ‘Complications’ categories, for the moment. Because I’m pretty sure at least ONE problem is going to pop up in there, anyways…
I find it pretty fun, actually. Just because you can’t really judge me on what you read here. <3

Oh, and I had my french exam today. I found it pretty easy. I’m usually pretty good at reading comprehension, so I shouldn’t flunk this one–unlike most of my year in general. Because, yes, I attend a french school, even though I WANTED to go to an english one, and I have finals this and next week. Well, I HAD finals this week.
I have spanish, history, math, science and ethics next week. I hope I don’t flunk any of them. I REALLY need to study, at least a little, especially in science… And math. MOSTLY math. Because the stuff we learned in the beginning of the year is VERYfar away in my memory. Haha. I hope I pass.

And I have to finish my blay bust in arts by friday. Augh, I’m so annoyed with it… : \ I’m doing a friend of mine–well, I THINK she’s a friend–and that’s the problem. I don’t like her much. She’s being arrogant, stupid and selfish, and it’s like her ego inflated to the size of fucking Saskatchewan. It’s really annoying. And I’m not the only one who thinks that; I’m relieved to find out all my friends are pissed off at her for being a stupid bitch. Even her BEST FRIEND is annoyed. And that, really, is saying something.

 

Well, I’ll leave you to your things.