Foresight
I can honestly say that my day–as short as it was–was NOT your normal summer vacation day.
First of all, I wake up at 9:27AM, just as my parents are leaving. And I could’ve sworn I stayed awake the entire time. And I start thinking. What time is it? It feels like only fifteen minutes, as most, have passed by. But when I turn my head to see the time, it’s half past eleven. Needless to say, I was a little shaken, but merrily got up anyways. It was nice out today…
But, that’s aside from the point. For now.
I had the LONGEST, STRANGEST dejà-vu today.
Usually, I dream about the future, but I don’t remember the dream when I wake up; jsut when I actually live the situation. And sometimes I dream the same thing more than once. I can remember it on the spot. And it always, usually lasts a split second. Not one or two, just a FRACTION.
Today just screwed up all that well-established logic.
I had a dejà vu that lasted around five to ten seconds. And I DISTINCTIVELY remembered dreaming it a few weeks ago, on a weekend–most likely a saturday–and REMEMBERING the dream when I woke up. I even remember going ‘What the hell?’, which I never do, remember or say, at all.
As soon as I realised it was longer than THE longest impression I’ve had, I shoved myself away from the computer desk, craddled my head in my hands and groaned. I was almost crying… I swear.
And I got a rose last night from him.
Josh isn’t helping.
I did a Tarot reading for myself and Josh last night. I’m usually never wrong in my readings. And from what I got for myself… Well, I think I should be well set for a month or two, and hopefully, something interseting will happen.
Anything else new…?
Well, my mom got an organ yesterday–the MUSICAL kind, mind you, and the the kind in the churches, cathedrals or whatever. The small, household kind. It’s nice–my mom’s going to teach me how to play, and I’m going to learn Sadness and Sorrow(from Naruto, in case you didn’t know).
I entered a poetry contest, too.
With my poem, Stranger Soldier; I don’t think I’ve put it up here yet. Well, I will soon if I already haven’t. I entered it in two contests; I hope I win SOMETHING in at least ONE of them…
An I’m working my ass off for a Naruto RPC contest on Youtube. I’ve been working on clips and screencaps all day! ;3; I can honestly say my hands deserve a good rest.
And um…
Well, I guess that’s it.
OH!
And I met a new girl today–Raven.
She’s…
Special.
Wishful
A friend of mine told me he hoped I’d die yesterday.
To put you in context, I’d posted a journal on SheezyArt, ranting a little about how my French teacher had called early in the morning to tell my parents I had to retake the written production I didn’t do. And, before you all jump to conclusions, I didn’t to the production because I had an appointement at the hospital, and then at the clinic. And I didn’t get the chance to talk to the teacher ever since, so there’s really no way I could’ve done it before yesterday.
And so he just comes along and posts this lovely comment:
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You can just feel the love, oozing out of it.
I printed it out, made my mom read it, felt blank for a while, fed the paper to my dog… And then I talked with Nats. It felt REALLY good, just because she opened up to me. It was… relieving. Talking about her problems–mostly listening to them, though, because I think that’s what she needed most of all–just soothed everything. It’s like I stopped thinking about everything and focused just on her.
And it’s so strange how I understand her.
And it’s so strange how I feel that I am to her what Jay is to me.
It’s a nice feeling knowing I’m not alone, less and less, every day.
So Jey wants me to die. Uh, okay. I laughed for ten or fifteen minutes yesterday. And I felt like I was going insane; it was the sweetest feeling I think I’ve ever felt. I was at the computer, listening to my songs, and having so many ideas rushing through my brain, so many incohesive thoughts, so many words and letters and thoughts all jumbled together. It was so… Thrilling, enthralling. I typed and I typed and wound up with several poems and short narrative sequences. I felt so free and open and clear afterwards.
If that’s being insane, I wouldn’t mind going crazy every now and then!
So, yeah.
I think I’ll stay alive just to spite him.
that seem good?
Strandier
Left
Right
Left
Right
Walk little soldier
Follow the ranks
Like you always have
Sorry
I won’t be following this time
I learned long ago
That following you means to lose myself
Forgetting who I am and betraying myself
Sorry if I don’t want to be like you are
Sorry if I can’t be what you are
Sorry if I want things to change
Sorry if I’m not that little angel
Who’s all you want her to be
I’m sorry that I have my own thoughts
I’m sorry you can’t understand them
I’m sorry you can’t like me
And take me for all the weirdness that I am
If you love me
Won’t you let me know?
If you hate me
Just move on in the ranks
I’ll be there and look onto
Your disappearing faces
I don’t know you anymore
Happy life, stranger.
Farewell, dear stranger.
Onlooker
I’ve started a series, on SheezyArt. I’m pretty much into eye manips lately, so I’ve thrown myself in that. I find that I’m… Well, pretty good. Not NEARLY as good as someone on DeviantArt–who greatly inspired me–but, I’ll get there soon enough. I,d also like to say that all pictures used were taken by and of me, so please, don’t try to say I stole something when I didn’t. <3
First Eye : Eannes
Second Eye : Yuuko
Third Eye : Hitaru
Fourth Eye : Fye
Fifth Eye : Miichie
A tutorial’s coming soon; i’m currently waiting on someone’s reply as to whether or not I have their permission to use a certain picture in the tutorial. It should be up on sheezyart(and here, by consequence) soon enough.
Please enjoy!
: )
Snow
I want it to snow.
No, here, at night, in the middle of summer.
I want that small miracle, that small little something that will make all my dreams and wishes come true. I want that little… Spark. That makes everything worth it.
I want to walk in the snow, to feel the wind bite at me, at my legs and my arms and my tear-stained face. I want that cold, foreboding wind and lonely snowflakes.
I want it to rain.
I want to let the sky cry for me.
But I want to cry—and I did.
It’s too late for me.
I never should have cried. I never should’ve thrown that away.
I never should’ve wasted something so pure and innocent; it’s my fault and it’s never going to be anyone else’s.
And maybe it’s not true—I’m sure it is. It can’t be a lie.
I just trashed that mirror and granted myself seven years’ bad luck.
I want thunder and lightning and the Heavens tearing the sky apart.
I want to stop feeling this… But it makes me feel so good, so alive.
I want to walk in the dark, in the rain or in the snow, knowing that it can numb my feelings, that it can take all this away. I want this to have a happy ending.
Not a heart-scarring one.
I want to let that mask fall back in place, but after having it crushed and destroyed and burned… It’s hard to go back to that after knowing such sweet relief.
He let me be who I really am. He made me feel like it was okay to break down, okay to cry and whine and be sad. He made me feel like I could cry on his shoulder, like I didn’t have to carry the world on me.
He made me feel like I wasn’t alone.
I wasn’t alone.
I wasn’t alone.
I’m not alone.
But I still am.
I was so close—I could almost taste it. I could see it, feel it, touch it at the tip of my fingers. And it slipped away. Just like that, with a few words.
I let that feeling run away, the ambition and the hope.
I crushed it.
Clipped its wings. Burned them.
And I feel like what I’ve always caricatured; lonely, so far away from home. I have no one to come home to, no one to look forward to meeting every day.
It’s like nothing I do means anything anymore. I just lay there, on the bed or on the couch, and I sigh. And I cry. And I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything’s lost its spark.
I lay there. And think. And cry.
And I cry.
And I cry.
And I cry and I shouldn’t cry.
I need to be strong for those who count on me. I need to be calm, cool and collected for those who need me.
I need to be everything for everyone but I can’t seem to find it in me to go back to that anymore. Not after I’ve been offered to be who I am. Not after I’ve been told that being weak is okay, it’s okay it’s okay.
It’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my fault.
And I can’t talk, can’t talk can’t talk can’t talk.
Just can’t talk.
And I can’t change the page. I want to stay there and wonder about what the happy ending could be. I want to wonder how happy would feel in such a cold place.
I want to wonder and dream and lose myself in those dreams that seem so real.
I don’t want to wake up.
Don’t.
Don’t.
Don’t.
