Winter Sleep
It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull
Everyone’s smiling, they’re smiling
It pushes me far far away
I can’t understand
Everything is blue
Can you hear me out there?
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
I’m gazing from the distance and
I feel everything pass through me
I can’t be alone right now
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
I’m lost in a deep winter sleep
I can’t seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me
I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes
But it gets me, but it gets me
I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear, make it disappear
Anyone out there hear me now?
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
Kiss my lips
and maybe you can take me to your world for now
I can’t be alone right now
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will
And Then…
Today, I got sick. But something wonderful happened. A lot of wonderful things happened. For one, my guitar was done and ready. I brought it home tonight. I was really happy. The sound of the chords is even more beautiful than what I could’ve imagined. They filed the frets for me at no cost; Ed said the guy did it for the guitar, that it deserved it.
Another wonderful thing that happened, that I now recall, is my rather wonderful dream two nights ago. A man with a sword tried to kill me. I told him he would never be able to, because his sword would not cut through me. Normally, he would’ve motioned to stab me–at the arm I presented him with–and I would’ve woken up before being dismembered. But this time… this was different. He repeatedly swung at my outstretched arm. But, at best, all he could do was cause a bruise. Once, on my right hand, the strike was particularly hard. The skin broke. A small, tiny bead of blood formed on my skin. But nothing more. My mother was stabbed at once or twice. She, too, remained relatively unscathed.
This is a miracle.
Never have my dreams ever allowed me to have such control. I’ve never been able to have any power whatsoever. Every time I tried to perform magic–of any kind!–I would always look like a fool and run away. But now… I actually don’t even have to think for my body to be invincible! You see me thrilled, yet a little scared. But now, even I have to face it:
This most likely would not have happened had I not renewed my faith in God.
To further pursue this little line of miracles, I present you the event that just took place. I was in bed, as I’m sick and weary tonight. I was listening to Lifehouse’s Broken, and thinking about the person I love. I was thinking about how my heart is no longer in my body, but in his hands. I though about how it may be bleeding, and how he would carefully suck the leaking blood and blow it back into my veins. I thought this to be a tedious task, and so I patched the leaks with band-aids. Normally, this wouldn’t have changed anything: the little cuts and leaks would have kept spewing blood despite my best effort.
The band-aids remained there. And his face reflected the joy only angels can display.
I cried. Tears of joy–of elation, exaltation! There are no words to describe this feeling of… of power, of self control! I’ve never felt so good in my life. Which is ultimately ironic because I haven’t felt this sick in a long time.
For this–for all of this–I owe Lora Innes more than I could ever imagine. She’s given me so much, with just a few words. How powerful, words can be! I owe Lora, yes, but I also owe that person who, only a week ago, challenged my position as a Catholic. Saying that I had such “potential” without using it was really a slap in the face. I thought I believed–I wanted to think I believed. I knew I kept doubting and doubting. I know now that doubts are the bane of my existence: I need to firmly believe or something or not believe in it at all. I need to stop doubting everything I think and see and hear. Maybe if I actually fully believe in something, my life will be easier. (Hasn’t it already become much more lighter?)
I believe God exists.
If you want to contest that, please go ahead. I believe in what I believe. If you absolutely want to contradict everything the Bible says, go ahead. Be my guest. I’ve done so myself, many, many times. The Lord’s made my life so much brighter, and I’ll keep on believing in Him ’till the end.
Hypocrite? Perhaps. But I intend to repent. (I’ve sinned so many times; so little time, so much to repent for!)
That will be all.
Amputations
This is imported from one of my posts on AMPUTATIONS. It’s a really good place for you to improve your writing, role playing and such. You should check it out sometime; it really helps. The people over there are nice, so the environment is really light and calm.
(more…)
Esoterism
of dreams and reality
i crave fantasy
the world of my mind
the world in my head
is much more hospitable
and much less violent
and brutal
i pray that i someday
somehow be spirited away
to another place
under another sun
when the moon wakes
i pray to her
because we are sisters
esoteric in nature and life
and who best to understand
my every wish
but my own flesh and dreams?
Bullets, train of thought
As I sit there, feigning sleep,
I notice you, taking your place to my left.
Though I’m pretty sure you don’t notice me.
Just another face in the crowd.
And for some reason I can’t explain,
I feel like reaching out and touching you.
And this urge is very had to resist.
My entire body quakes in anticipation
Of a gesture I never plan on realizing.
My skin crawls with a touch that never was.
My neck arches with a shudder from an imagined breath
I could not recreate this feeling, fleeting as it was
Not can I understand it any better.
and so when you leave, a stop before mine,
My heart sighs, shivers inexplicably.
But the sensation is quickly forgotten.
Lessons in arts and letters and words fill my head.
And tomorrow, I know this for sure,
It’ll all start over again.
